Special Days, Birthdays & Anniversaries
What Should We Do?
Grief is emotionally, physically and psychologically draining and there is nothing more capable of escalating all of these feelings than the thought of a special date looming ever nearer.
The anticipation of the day is often worse than the day itself but this does little to help when the day has yet to arrive. For some just the walk around a card shop displaying Mothers' or Fathers' Day cards can create an immediate but unexpected negative and emotional response made worse by it being in a public place.
First and foremost, there is no right or wrong way to deal with this day whether it is a birthday, anniversary, Christmas and of course, the anniversary of the date of death plus the anniversary of the date of the funeral, which is often remembered as a significant day for whatever reason, to some.
My Father died on the 20th and was buried on the 28th, 23 years and 5 months ago. My brother-in-law died on the 1st and was buried on the 8th, 8 years and 3 months ago. My Mother died on the 17th and was buried on the 27th, 3 years 8 months ago.
Three souls deeply loved and always remembered.
Not one of those dates I have shared with you required any serious recall on my part whatsover - I can remember even the hour and day. This does not mean I abnormally grieve - it means I remember the dates and times members of my family died and were buried - simple as that! Too much pressure is put on people to almost forget dates significant to them. There is nothing wrong with remembering - it is how we deal with that memory that counts. Equally there is nothing wrong if the date goes by without you having remembered it. Dates of anniversaries are important and their meaning for us does not diminish just because your loved one has died, but there is a danger of making these dates ones to dread and in anticipating this dread, it can make you feel (and even become) ill. There are ways to change the memories from painful to bearable and from bearable to joyful and with that joy comes a sense of peace and acceptance - but it takes time and effort and an understanding of what is going to be best for YOU.
Not everyone can visit the graveside or memorial site of someone they love. This is not laziness, cowardice or just plain wrong - it is how we are - different. Flowers placed on graves on special days comfort some people but the very thought of going to the graveside for others gives them anxieties they can do without. People have very different ways of feeling close to the person who has died and for some, that means a visit to the place of interment. For others it may be a spot they visited together or a quiet place within their own garden. If you or someone in your family cannot visit a grave or memorial hen leave yourself or them to grieve as you or they must - as individuals.
Christmas can often be the toughest time of year for everyone. Those who have healed more quickly can feel guilty if it appears they have moved on and others can feel guilty if they think their grief is spoiling the season for others. The answers can be found in honest discussion with all concerned. Maybe even change the pattern of Christmas never forgetting your loved one but trying to rejoin everyone as best you can in your life and environment. There is no getting away from lights and trees and shops - in fact all that goes with Christmas. We have to face facts. We cannot place Christmas in a skip.You can try a few things like shopping for presents before the season starts or changing your usual pattern around the season. Maybe have a different tree or no tree at all. Make your own decorations or buy new. There is no reason to wipe away the memories of the past but in the early months and certainly for the first Christmas without your loved one, it may be useful to keep some things back for the time being. Some people find going away for the 'first' Christmas is best - but not all of us have the inclination or the income to do this!
Making your very own advent candle/calendar might help you find some peace. Every Sunday you can light your candle and focus on the person who has died. For Christians the focus is also on the forthcoming birth of the Christ-child but if the candles in the centre of your (say) coffee table, surrounded by some Christmas foliage offer you peace of mind, then it has to be a really good thing.
There are more lonely people at Christmas time than is comfortable for us to consider and they are often people with no one at all let alone someone who has died. It may be of comfort to work in a homeless shelter on Christmas Day. This can make you feel uselful and is really rewarding. It is not for everyone, true, but it is a great idea if you think it might help you. There is no shame in helping others to help yourself. Birthdays and anniversaries are a tough call and especially so, the first year without your loved one. All the 'firsts' are the hardest. The first birthday for both the person who has died and your own, the first wedding anniversary, the first anniversary of the date they died and as I have said, the first Christmas. Some people remember the date a doctor may have given the news that your loved one is ill - every single person's significant memory will be different.
These dates can cause a build up of anxiety and then result in a day of reflection, celebration, sadness or loneliness. How these days are coped with is personal and no two people in the same family will necessarily consider the same action to mark the day. A family get-together in the first year can be of comfort but the acknowledgment of, say your loved one's birthday, may not be what everyone wants or needs. Communication with one another is key. The worst thing is when disagreements arise within families. Sadly, this kind of disagreement can happen but is so avoidable if we try to appreciate that our choices may not be comfortable for everyone.
Whatever way you choose to acknowledge these special days - it is okay. If it is okay with you then it has to be okay with everyone else. If you think that, deep down, you are not dealing with a certain anniversary in a way that is going to comfort you, then don't do it.
You will know the difference.
May the Peace and love of the Risen Christ be with you and
may His healing love remain with you, now and always.
Rev Nicola