Death after terminal illness - when family grief can go wrong

A terminally ill person who has been in hospital or has endured a lengthy illness warranting professional care affects many families but each member of the family will have a different story to tell about how it affected them, personally. We all know how it impacts on a family as a dynamic, but we must also take the time to consider after the death has occured how the grief impacts on the individuals within that family. The following paragraphs are scenarios exampling when things can go wrong. In the main, most families are accepting and understanding of each other's individual grief. However this is not always the case.

People can be made to think they are being selfish if they have been hard hit by the death by other family members - or worse - feel guilty if they have been made to believe they could have done more whilst their loved one was alive. For those who assumed most of the care, other family grief can be considered self-indulgent. It is almost as if the grief of the main carer is more valid and with multiple siblings there is (nearly) always a main carer.

Sadly, family can measure sibling sorrow by that of their own, and that tape measure they use can involve how much more work they feel they did. Some people think they visited the hospital more often, worried more often, made decisions more often... and then show irritation if another family member appears more broken-hearted, uncommunicative or unable to cope. 'I don't know why you are so upset, you hardly ever went to see them...'

I meet family members so often who have experienced a family bereavement from (say) a lenghty illness due to cancer or Alzheimer's disease; and there can be an underlying feeling some did more than others. I must stress this does not always happen but when it does, it is very destructive.

I have listened to so many stories from people struggling with their grief and learned that some family members can almost 'invite' others to do less - for example - a telephone call to tell you not to bother visiting as they have already been... and he/she seemed so tired now and needs to rest... or - don't take any wash things, I have already done it... or, you will see I have taken his/her washing if you go... or they just call you to tell you of what they did whilst visiting. I fed/washed the hair of/gave chocolate to/chatted with the staff/read to him/her... and then the member of the family who did not visit that day, ends up feeling guilty, on top of everything else. This is when people feel undeserving of their grief that inevitably follows the death - and then they run the risk of getting ill. 

Coping is a very interesting point. How do different people and characters within the same family, cope? Well, like everything in our lives, some will cope better than others. As I keep saying; we are all different!  Just because people share DNA it doesn't mean they will have the same reactions to stressful situations and chapters within their "shared" family lives. Again, some people need that recognition of being seen to do everything they should... it makes them feel better.

I know of one woman who gave her Mother a terrible time when she was a teenager and caused her great worry as an adult - but when the parent became really ill from Alzheimer's, she visited and visited and visited, reassuring other siblings she had gone so they didn't have to, and then berating them for the lack of care they showed (in their opinion) after the death occured. To be regularly told (or have it insinuated) after the death of a parent that you neglected your Mother/Father is incredibly damaging - but it happens. Long after everyone has healed from grief, the sibling concerned needs to work on the feelings of guilt that have been forced upon them. Guilt after death if the hardest of emotions to recover from.

The regularity of the visits would have been in accordance to personal coping mechanisms - and after the death of the loved one, it is destructive to keep reminding a sibling how little they did by comparison to them. It is destructive and hurtful. Please remeber, people do what they can cope with emotionally at the time.

Sometimes there is only one member of a family - for example an only child with an ill Mother and whose Father has already died. This creates a completely different dynamic and cannot be compared in the case of multiple siblings. Often 'only' children take on the entire care and management of their parent. This can have its own difficulties after death as the person's life has revolved around care and visits. Readjustment from this can be painful and often leaves a hole in their lives. People have to redefine themselves and their role in life.

People need to accept they did what they did and things happened as they happened. In most cases, nothing is right or wrong, just different. The one thing about Alzheimer's disease is that everyone feels a sense of experiencing a 'double bereavement.' The first sense of grief when they lost the character of their loved one and then the second, when physical death occurs.

The conclusion here is everyone's grief is valid. It makes no difference if someone saw their loved one every day, week, month or even less often. Individuals have their own memories and experiences and no one should tell anyone how they should be grieving or if they deserve to.